Conscious Streams

oh, it’s been so hard to write.

Hello everyone. Or should I say, hey all you cool cats and kittens! Who else is watching Tiger King these days? What a crazy, crazy, story. I swear some people in the States are on a completely different level than the rest of us.

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted, and I have yet to post any personal stories of mine. They are coming, I promise. I have been working on one for the past couple of months, and it’s been so hard to get it just right because it involves someone I know in real life. And a lot of my posts will involve people I know in real life, but this one just hits a bit different. You’ll see why fairly shortly.

But anyway, we are living in quite unusual times right now aren’t we? With this whole CORONAVIRUS (say that in Cardi B’s voice) pandemic going on, which is unlike anything we’ve ever seen before. The world is somehow completely shut down while simultaneously still going on. I guess nothing can ever fully shut down the world (knock on wood), but things can certainly change the authorities and institutions that we had faith in for all of our lives.

I just finished writing the last paper of my undergraduate degree. It was a short one, but I still somehow managed to not get it in on time. However, in my defence, we are living through a pandemic. It’s so hard to focus!

Speaking of focus, it is always hard for me to focus. Focus is something that has not come very easily to me in my 20s. As a kid, I think I was a genuine procrastinator, but in recent years I think my inability to get things done has come more from my inability to focus. When I am tasked with doing things that I am not inspired to do, I become very woolly-minded. And to be honest, this blog hasn’t been that motivating for me to complete.

I was originally tasked with creating a blog for my publishing class (hi Suzanne), but the truth is, I have been blogging ever since I was first allowed online. From the age of 10, I was obsessed with the online world, and I wanted to have a site that people flocked to, something that made an impact. But that was years ago, and the little girl who loved to run her mouth online suddenly became scared to let her true self shine.

For a long time, I’ve been scared of being misinterpreted, scared that people wouldn’t understand my sense of humour (because I go back and forth between being dead serious and dead not serious at the drop of a hat), and scared of saying the wrong thing. If you read my PUB 210 process posts, you can read about how as a child I got in trouble for saying the “wrong things” online. So dipping my toes back into this world has been scary for me.

On the PUB 210 side of things, I do apologize. It matters to me how I am perceived (clearly) and I hate that I may have made myself out to be a lazy do-nothing who doesn’t care about her grades. That isn’t true. It’s just that, inspiration and confidence are two things that have been extremely difficult for me over the last few years. Putting into words how my life has changed since I came back from London has been such a difficult task, and I’ve gotten used to just not knowing how to express myself.

For anyone else reading this, I hope you find some comfort in what I’m saying. I hope I’m not the only one who’s been feeling this way! As we approach the third week of staying inside, I feel myself changing, and I feel my mind beginning to open up a bit.

I’m still absolutely terrified to post personal stories, but it’s what I want to do. At some point, I gotta bite the bullet and just go for it. So stay tuned for my first boy story, coming very soon!

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