Boy Stories

will you be my man? turns out, you can’t

When I’ve made my mind up about something, it’s very hard for me to let go of that. So when I heard about homeboy’s inability to move forward with me romantically, I wasn’t gonna let that stop me. I was disappointed, but I decided to put it aside.

 After all, we had finally made plans to meet! We did the tourism challenge together, a month-long challenge for people who work in hotels and tourist attractions to win a year-long pass to all of the tourist attractions in and around Vancouver. We spent a couple of hours together walking around UBC and visiting the various “tourist destinations” on campus, but it was much shorter than I would have hoped for. 

While I really enjoyed the afternoon with him, I couldn’t deny that I had a gut feeling that this wasn’t going to go anywhere. He was kind and engaged with me, but holding back. I could sense it.

The rest of that spring was pretty chaotic. I was going out with friends multiple times a week, taking an accelerated course with a hard marking TA, and I was becoming more and more infatuated with this kid. Towards the end of May, it went from feeling fun and lighthearted to feeling… bad.

I remember one night in particular, my anxiety got so bad that I stayed up ‘til 3 am just so I could remind him that I existed while he was out at the club one night. The same spot we’d met at. Who’s to say he couldn’t have been making memories with some new girl?

And then one day, I just snapped. It went from being slightly stressful to being downright torturous. And on top of that, I felt like such an idiot for feeling that way.

So I stopped talking to him. I figured that if we weren’t gonna happen, that there was no point in continuing to talk to him because it just hurt. I had no chill about the situation, and I couldn’t just see him as a casual acquaintance.

I thought that I would forget about him, be happy again by mid-summer, and move on, but that didn’t end up happening. It was like the fact that someone I never even dated affected me that much was a sobering reminder that something wasn’t quite right. I wasn’t truly happy.

The truth is, I’ve felt this way for years. And I think that it took me going through this experience to fully realize that. The problem was never his lack of love for me, it was my lack of love for myself.

Now it’s been almost a year since we met. The world is on lockdown and things will never be the same, for any of us. I will probably always be interested in him on some level because I do genuinely think he’s a good guy (and 1000% my type), but the most important person in my life right now is me.

No longer am I bending over backward for people who wouldn’t do the same for me. No longer am I stressing about every single detail of another person’s life, while completely losing sight of every detail of my own. And never will I ever forget how deserving I am of real love… even if that means having to wait a little longer to get it.

Even though it sucks while you’re in the thick of it, I don’t believe you should ever regret opening yourself up to the possibility of love. Yes, it doesn’t always work out, and yes, it can hurt, but the things you end up learning about yourself are worth every confusing, painful, frustrating feeling. Don’t be scared of your own feelings, because when you’re able to accept them for what they are, you’ll see that that’s where the real magic starts to happen.

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